Where's The Brain

WTBSTS :: 1st Challenge

2008-05-11T21:03:00.001-07:00

First challenge.

SSBB - Some videos

2008-04-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Two glitches/tricks:
Kirby Rock Glitch
Fox Spring Trick

And two online matches:
ToiletPro v. MikeG
ToiletPro v. A

"Evan"

2008-04-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

I made this project for Video Production. It was supposed to be a subjective documentary; a documentary with an obvious bias against (or towards) the person. Because there are no interesting people other than me, I did it about myself, and how I play way too many video games.

It's funny if you like subtlety, but if you don't, you may not like it.

On the subject of too many video games: I'm grounded from them at the moment, but if anyone would like to play Smash Bros. Brawl online with me at some point after I'm done being grounded, that'd be fun. Don't bother giving me your codes yet, but email me if you're interested. Make sure I know, in the subject, that it's about Brawl.
Mah emails are wheresthebrain@gmail.com - get practicing, I'm pro at Smash. (I'm not that good.)

By the way, don't bother asking why I'm grounded - I plan to make a video about it when I'm out of it. If I don't make one, force me to tell you.

SelmarTaynor v. Me in Super Smash Bros. Melee

2008-03-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

SelmarTaynor and I, before filming the Ofishul Votedown, played a few rounds of Smash. We've already played two (#1 and #2), but we played 5 more. I finally got to putting them onto my computer today, so...enjoy.

Practice #3
Practice #4
Practice #5 (Random)
Practice #6 (Blind)
Practice #7

Soldier 2.0 - idea

2008-03-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have played Soldier (download it, PC only), a game I made a long time ago. It was poorly written and kind of flaky, but it was challenging and fun. It's an overhead shooter, where you control an oddly-proportioned gray soldier man thing. The game was originally titled "Oddly-Proportioned Gray Soldier Man Thing," which was then shortened to the name it is today.

But recently, I've been working on "Soldier 2.0" - I think I just want to call it "Soldier," and have it be the game's real debut. Soldier 1.0 was horribly unpolished.

I've been working on Soldier 2.0 on and off recently, but I want to redo the entire game and add a lot of new features. In order to best add those features, I need to plan the game out as best as I can.

I'd appreciate it if you tried a very early version of the game (link downloads demo) and told me anything you want to add. Tell me weapon ideas, maybe I should add vehicles, make snipers have the scope-thing again, whatever.

The main reason I want to plan the game is so I can best add online play. I'm working on a very detailed design for how it works, and I think it's professional-level. I may write about it in a later post.

So download the demo, and give me suggestions!

Soldier 2.0 Demo

Problems

2008-03-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

I have problems in my life too.

The anonymous person off-camera thought of this, and she is brilliant because of it.

Creepover

2008-02-29T23:41:00.001-08:00

I made this for video production, and I don't like it. Enjoy.

WTBSTS :: The Ofishul Votedown

2008-02-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

The votes have been TALLIED.

Socks

2008-02-16T21:22:00.001-08:00

Um.

Epic Chase

2008-02-15T22:54:00.001-08:00

There are three of these. Expect more.

Super Mario 64 - Wireframe Hell

2008-02-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

Jish (see YouTube) made a video and I made my own; it's playing Mario 64 using wireframe rendering. It's trippy and hard, but tests how well you know the levels. It's awesome sauce.

Baller

2008-02-08T23:02:00.002-08:00

Prompt: "In 250 words, write from the point of view of a ball of yarn being chased by a cat." This is exactly 250 words, not including this italicized madness.

Hello. I am a ball of yarn. I'm pretty "baller," as they say. Clever joke, yes? No. I admit that's an awful joke.

I am sitting in a bowl on top of a table on top of a floor.

Life is boring.

Sometimes I get sewn into sweaters and jackets and blankets. Once I got sewn into something weird. It looked kind of like a mitten for a ball. Pretty "baller," as they say. Clever joke? No, not this time either.

Though I am a ball of yarn sitting in a bowl on top of a table on top of a floor, one time, a cat knocked the bowl on the floor.

Suddenly, life was not so boring, and I wished it was again, because I was being clawed, clawed, clawed by a gigantic cat-monster. Its eyes were narrow and its claws were too, but there were still two of each. They both scared the yarn out of me.

I wished life was boring again because I did not enjoy being clawed, clawed, clawed. That is a menacing cat, but perhaps it only looks menacing because it is clawing me to death.

It clawed, clawed, clawed me around the floor. To one wall, then another, then I felt a rush. I was rolling down the stairs.

I rolled down, down into a box of toys. I thudded at the bottom of the box with all of the baseballs and basketballs and footballs.

Pretty "baller." No, that will never be funny.

Halo CE - H3T Coagulation PB2 Easter Eggs

2008-02-07T22:26:00.001-08:00

As far as I know, these can't be seen without mods.

1. Looks like there's going to be an Arbiter, somehow; you can shoot this thing if you get Master Chief up there, and it dies.

2. There is a sign:
* Missing Cat Michael Jackson
* Killa_Rw is a nick name for Killa Ferociously touches weiners
* Anthony (heart) Dakota
* Haii (smiley)
* Next release is in (covered up)
* (Hamburger) you know you want it
* Special thanks to...hard to read.

Download map

Madness Interactive - Fire Glitch

2008-02-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

1. Go to Experiment mode.
2. Spawn a flamethrower (numpad 8).
3. Turn on invincibility and turn off enemy AI.
4. Set a bunch of guys on fire.
5. While they're still on fire, go back to the main menu (default key is Enter).
6. Play any game you want - the fire will stay on the screen. It will hurt enemies, but not you.

Play Madness Interactive

Bullet - Game Idea

2008-02-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

I was playing Madness Interactive (left in picture) today. It's enormously fun and you should try it out. It's frustrating until you get good at it, but it never gets easy.

Though I love it, it's flawed in a few ways. One flaw is its difficulty, both to learn and to master. Another is its lack of replayability (that is, without mods). The boring levels. Another is its lack of balance, and stupid AI. Don't get me wrong, it's a great game, but it's flawed in a number of ways.

So I think I'll make my own.

It's a project I'd started a long time ago, called Bullet (right in picture), but it never really got too far. I basically got a tiny little engine together with three weapons, and it's poorly designed internally. It played similarly to Madness, but, in my opinion, was easier to pick up and play.

I kind of envisioned it to be a mix of Super Smash Brothers and Madness Interactive. Madness because it was running around with a mouse-pointed gun, Smash because it would be more about 1v1 than 1v30, and its replayability.

I think I might start this project again. It'd be like Madness, but with a few changes:

"Brain" programming - this is something I've started to work on. I'm not the first to come up with it, but I came up with it on my own. But it works like this: there's the Body, and it knows everything it needs to know. In this case, weapon, health, et cetera. Then there's the Brain, which controls the movement of the Body. This lets you put, say, a "human" Brain on top of any Body you want, or an "AI" Brain on any Body as well. This is better than having to program the AI or the keyboard inputs into one object.

Easier, though with the option to make it harder. But not forced.

Smart AI, like that of Smash Bros. Adds replayability. Once again, you can change difficulty.

Online multiplayer, using my own NTP-synching thing I would have to write. This adds the most replayability.

Variation - Madness was basically the same. Grab the machine gun and point it in front of you. Then shoot when someone walks up and it'll hit them in the head. If someone comes from the other side, just turn around. This game will be more about navigating the level and light tactical stuff. Nothing huge, but more like FPS games. I may also add a shield, similar to Smash Bros, but not exactly the same. More like Sonic Battle, but I doubt you've played that.

Balance - no weapon is better than another in all situations, and because there is more variation, certain weapons are better for certain things. You want the long-range weapons in the big levels, but the strong weapons in close quarters.

Customization - I don't know if I'll do this, but it sounds pretty easy. You can make your own levels with a level creator. You could also make custom weapons if you wished; just draw a sprite up, tell it things about how the weapon acts, and it's done. You could make custom players. There are a few restrictions I might add if you want it to work online, but maybe not - who knows. (I know I'd make a Halo-style mod; I'm obsessed with that game.)

Of course, the reason I haven't started now is because I doubt too many people would play it, and I can't draw sprites to save my life. I don't want to make this if nobody ever plays it, so if you would play it more than just once, let me know. If someone is interested in doing some spriting, let me know; comment, email, or whatever.

The real problem is getting people to use it. Online multiplayer and AI is incredibly difficult to write from the ground up. It's not worth doing if nobody plays it.

And if I do decide to do it, I'll need some testers. I'll try to release public builds of the game every time I make a noticeable change, but I'll need people to test certain things and give me detailed feedback as well. Let me know if you'd do that.

Unfortunately, it's PC only, unless I switch programming languages during design. I don't know of any good, free, 2D gaming development environments that work cross-platform. And I'm not developing anything on the Mac, because it annoys me when I try to develop anything. Sorry.

90% Outtakes

2008-02-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

Trying to say maybe 10 seconds, and it took me an hour. This is the montage.

Halo CE - Out of Newgulch

2008-02-01T22:59:00.000-08:00

I assume nobody will ever play this map AND watch this video, but I was bored and felt like glitching.

Some of this is potentially useful, if people do decide to play this map. The damage-jump with the sniper is useful to get to other places, too.

To do this, use the sniper-thing to knock the Warthog up onto that ledge. Use it to damage-jump up to the ledge too, and quickly hop in the hog before it slides off. Then drive it, and swing it around, so that when it swings, the back hits you and knocks you through the invisible wall. Now you're out. Don't walk over the edge - you fall off.

If you want to know what the song is, I wrote it. You can download it for free if you wish, and use it in whatever you like, but give credit to wheresthebrain.com - that's my website. Download the song here.

Check Out My Grillz T-Shirt for Sale

2008-01-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm now selling Check Out Mah Grillz T-shirts - they're obviously based on the YouTube video of the same name.

Buy one if you want one; I'm not going to pester you with advertising.

I will say that this is the first T-shirt that I actually wanted; I didn't want to spend the money on my others. But that's alright. Do enjoy.

Check Out Mah Grillz - T-shirts on Zazzle

WTBSTS :: Announcement

2008-01-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

We're announcing the Where's The Brain Selmar Taynor Video Burrito T-shirt Skimboard No-Handed Awesomeness Contest Showdown Challenge of the World. This will be an epic battle.

VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN.

Please vote for 5, even if you don't normally comment. You don't have to comment about anything else, just write the 5 challenges you'd like to see. Rock the vote.

Where's The Brain
Selmar Taynor

Rap Madness

2008-01-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

This is probably my first video with a moral. The moral is explained at the end of the video.

Cool Beans

2008-01-23T16:28:00.001-08:00

1) This is a video about an expression I have been saying recently.
2) It's about damn time I made a video, right?
3) This was scripted. My first fully scripted show, if you don't count songs. I don't know if I loved it.
4) I'll tell you about that thing five seconds into the video...soon.
5) As far as I know, WTB News is not real.
6) I used a slightly different logo-thing at the end. Just for stalker's sake.

Burrito Showdown

2008-01-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

Me VS Burrito.

Halo CE - Headlong PB2 Glitches

2008-01-06T00:45:00.001-08:00

This has to be the best Halo 2 map for Halo CE I've played. This is one of the first maps where I feel like I'm playing Halo 2 and not Halo 1.

1. You can do this any time you have a Banshee and some method of damage boosting yourself up. Though I only showed it in one place, you can do it at any of those ramps. I think the Rocket Launcher is the easiest, but you might be able to pull it off with grenades as well. You can walk around and explore up here. And you can walk right through the cranes. Possibly useful, with a sniper rifle. Found by me.
2. You can grab the Carbine through the wall. Useful. Found by me.
3. There might be other places to knock yourself into, but this overturned bus is one of the cooler ones. Possibly useful. Found by me.
4. You can back the Ghost into here, and after a little bit of messing around, get it to go on that grav lift thing. It bounces around. I didn't show this in the video, but if you stand on top of it, you can get it to knock you into this little invisible box. Hard to explain but easy to do. Useless. Found by me.

Download the map here.

Halo CE - Snowgrove Tricks

2008-01-05T01:42:00.000-08:00

By the beard of Zeus. I love this map.

1. Useful - You can do this at either base, and only needs one BR rocket. If done right, it's the fastest way to kill people that are up top killing you. Found by me.
2. Useful - While you're reloading the Carbine, hold the trigger, and if you keep holding it when you can shoot, your shots will be much faster. I was showed this by someone I forget.
3. Useful - I was shown this trick but it wasn't done solo. I think it's harder to do with just one person, but it obviously can be done. This is useful for getting around the level, but hard to pull off. Half found by me.
4. Useless - A way to get out of bounds. I assume you can do this in both bases. Found by me.
5. Useless - Another out of bounds. Probably also possible on both sides. Found by me.

It's to be noted that I had some infinite ammo cheats on for some of these, but they don't change anything.

Halo 3 - The Ark Sentinel Ride

2008-01-05T01:41:00.000-08:00

In the level The Ark, you can ride a Sentinel down to this platform, but if you touch it, you die instantly. Maybe someone can get further along with this.

If you want to try it, you have to jump on the Sentinel after it "decides" to go away. If it hasn't, you'll float around in one place.

I just got this game yesterday for Christmas. It's awesome. (But nowhere near as glitched as the original.)

Halo - Silent Cartographer Tricks

2008-01-05T01:40:00.002-08:00

1. Out to sea. Pretty much the same as the Death Island escape, which is pretty well-known. I don't know if this one is as well. Walking out takes a long time; see for yourself.
2. An alternate method for getting to the top of the level. There are two others, both discovered by Randall Glass (I believe). I think this is the easiest, but only if you're good at nade jumps.
3. If you get an over shield and go to the "security override station," you can fall further than normal if you crouch when you land. I don't know if it's possible to get to the bottom, though. I doubt it is.
4. Basically pointless and not that cool - you can get into that little hole in the wall.

Super Smash Bros - 999% Damage Glitch

2008-01-05T01:40:00.001-08:00

I take no credit for coming up with this.

Twilight Princess - Various Small Glitches

2008-01-05T01:39:00.000-08:00

1. See through a Goron's head.
2. See through Epona.
3. Got Epona through a wall, somehow. I don't know how.
4. I feel like I'm really close to something here. You can do this anywhere where you can become a wolf and have Epona. I can get the game to get confused, but never to clip me through anything. Somebody better at glitches might figure this out.

Halo CE - Various Map Tricks

2008-01-05T01:37:00.000-08:00

They should all be pretty obvious how to do them. I've never seen anyone else do these before; I discovered them myself, but someone else may have done these already.

Maps featured: Parabola, Chaosgulch, CMT_coagulation, H2_Zanzibar.

Metroid Prime Hunters Demo - Unloaded area & OoB

2008-01-05T01:36:00.001-08:00

You can do both of these in Survivor, or the multiplayer level that's the exact same. I mostly filmed this to see what kind of video quality I could set up using my camera and DS. It looks pretty good, I think.

Halo - Timberland River's End

2008-01-05T01:35:00.001-08:00

You can do this as long as you have a Ghost - might make a good sniper spot.

Halo - Various Campaign Tricks

2008-01-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

I found these on a playthrough. I suck at Campaign so don't get mad at me for sucking at it.

1. Halo - small trick to get to the bridge below. Very useless.
2. TaR - you can see the world this way. Very useless but kinda cool.
3. AotCR - bringing a ghost back in here will bring the ghost slowly up the elevator, then it will strangely fall through it. It may be possible to bring it up all the way, but I'm not sure how.
4. Library - you can skip the first part of the level this way, but I think 343 doesn't know you're there and you can't progress any further. This glitch is actually easiest on Legendary because you don't get hurt as much. It's impossible on Easy. It might be useful, maybe.
5. Keyes - you can grenade jump over the gap and walk around in here. You can also get a checkpoint. There's some weird stuff in there too, like doors that don't open and obvious sceneries. I may be able to get up further, I'm not sure.

Banjo-Kazooie - TTC Timesaver

2008-01-05T01:33:00.000-08:00

If you use the same route as marshmallow used on his SDA run, this saves around 30 seconds if you pull it off right. The disadvantage is that it is very hard to pull off, and might be better in a TAS or something. Segmented runs of this game are hard because it autosaves.

Halo - Warthog in SC's Chasm

2008-01-05T01:32:00.000-08:00

The first part of the glitch was originally found by aoes, but I tried to have some fun messing with it.

1. Entering, found by aoes.
2. How long the fall is. I think it's possible to get down there without hacks, but that's wishful thinking.
3. The first jump I tried was one of the most successful. I landed on that clamp-looking platform, then failed when trying to jump to the one below.
4. This one requires tons of luck, but is pretty cool once you get there. I believe it's as far down as you can get with a hog, and that may mean you can get to the bottom from there.
5. You can get up here, but there's not too much. I tried to get to a platform but couldn't live.

Halo - Four small multiplayer tricks

2008-01-05T01:31:00.000-08:00

Here are some tricks that are actually useful in multiplayer.

1. Battle Creek - you can enter the bases by hopping on rocks and walls. I show both bases, and the first, the blue base, is much harder.
2. Blood Gulch - you can grab the Sniper Rifle through the wall, and you can also get ammo that way.
3. Danger Canyon - this trick is hard to pull off, but you can use it to get to the opposite bases faster. I show going towards the blue base, but you can do it with both.
4. Gephyrophobia - this is a tiny trick that's hardly useful, but you can get to the flag a few seconds faster, and grab the overshield.

Twilight Princess - Snowpeak Ruins Heart Piece Timesaver

2008-01-05T01:30:00.002-08:00

I found this during a playthrough. Useless (obviously) in an any%, but useful if anyone does a 100% run. I'd already opened the chest, so pretend that there's a heart piece in there. Thanks to Kazooie for the LJA. And this is GCN-exclusive.

The quality sucks Eric Cartman's balls.

Ocarina of Time - Sacred Forest Meadow OoB

2008-01-05T01:30:00.001-08:00

Probably already found, not too interesting, and definitely not useful.

Banjo-Kazooie - Small diving glitch

2008-01-05T01:28:00.000-08:00

Press A and then Z very quickly when in the water, and you'll sink down in a weird way. You can do this anywhere there's water. You could probably use this to save some time and air when diving.

Banjo-Kazooie - Death Run

2008-01-05T01:27:00.000-08:00

Time: 0m 37s
Death run for Banjo-Kazooie. Done on my emulator.

Ocarina of Time - Death Run route

2008-01-05T01:25:00.000-08:00

Other people said that the boulder near the Kokori Sword is faster, but I think this way may be faster. This is just a route - I know that I kind of suck at OoT.

kirby8943 of YouTube used this route in his death run.

Halo - Death Run (PC)

2008-01-05T01:23:00.001-08:00

Time: 1m 27s

Death run for Halo PC's campaign. Bad quality because of slower graphics card. This could be improved, I'm not certain that this is the fastest method (and I made minor mistakes).

Ocarina of Time - Can't Get Enough Owl

2008-01-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

You can see him over and over again. Awesome sauce.

Halo - In A Hog Door Glitch

2008-01-05T01:21:00.000-08:00

This is a glitch I discovered on my own with a friend a long time ago, and I did it recently and recorded it.

Grab a hog and make a Hog Door. Ram another hog into the same opening. Have a friend (without friendly fire) sit in the hog on the top, and use the gunner's seat of the bottom one to hop into the other. Weird things can happen, and the last one shown is where you get stuck.

Sorry for the recording quality and the mouse cursor intruding on the screen; it's my video recording software's fault.

Thanks to SL Blaze for the help.

Halo - Death Island Escape

2008-01-05T01:20:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty well known glitch that lets you get far away from Death Island to where the game stops drawing the ocean.

To get out, get out of the Ghost so that its momentum pushes you through the invisible wall.

Once you get out...

Keep walking in one direction for a long time (~10 minutes or so) and you'll eventually get to the end. It was edited down a lot in this video.

Don't crouch, because you get stuck underwater.

To throw grenades, melee immediately after you throw the grenade.

You'll find that walking towards where you're going is slightly faster than walking backwards. You wouldn't really notice it in other places because the distances aren't as long.

Halo - Inside A Blood Gulch Rock

2008-01-05T01:19:00.000-08:00

This is a glitch you can use to get into a rock in Blood Gulch. It takes awhile to position the Warthog if you don't know what you're doing, but it's easy if you do know. I had tons of trouble because I haven't done this in a long time.

I was shown this glitch a long time ago (in the trial, even). I did a search for it and apparently it is more well-known than I thought.

Halo - Wizard Hop-Ups

2008-01-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

Various hopping around in Wizard. Mostly useless, but you might be able to use them for something.

All but the last one were discovered by me. Someone else may have come up with these glitches, but I came up with them independently.

1. The first hop requires the use of the rocket launcher. Use the explosion to blow you up, but use the over shield to give yourself invincibility. Easy to do.

2. The second hop can be done on any mode where there are over shields and grenades (which is almost all modes). The platform where the over shield sits is slanted on the sides, and to avoid getting the over shield before you want to, crouch and walk up until your grenades are being thrown almost straight down. Stay crouched. Throw a plasma and then a frag, and grab the over shield. The explosion should blow you up to the ledge. Easy to do when you get the hang of it, but harder to figure out.

3. You can use a rocket and a plasma grenade to blow a powerup up onto the ledge. This is very hard to reproduce; I had to film it a ton of times before I got it right, and when I finally did, the powerup respawned and I couldn't go up and get it.

4. EvilPacMan15 made a glitch similar to this one, but I found an alternative (and harder and more useless) method. See his video for the easy way to get where I got, but the way I got there is harder and harder for no reason. See link below for his video.

Halo - Timberland Easter Egg

2008-01-05T01:17:00.000-08:00

This is not itself a glitch, but requires one to see unless you use a hack. I used a hack, Bitterbanana's Halo Flycam, but it is only useful for getting a better view of the easter egg.

Head to the blue base and hop through the invisible barrier by getting out of the Ghost and have it push you through (see the video). Head to the closest corner, walk through the trees and you'll see the DMM 2003 easter egg burned onto the ground.

What does DMM 2003 mean? According to Phosphorous' Glitch FAQ from GameFAQs, they are the initials of David M. Mertz, who was the lead level designer for Halo.

I found this easter egg while playing online. I didn't come up with it but I don't know who showed it to me.

Thanks to Bungie (obviously) and Bitterbanana for the Halo Flycam.

Halo - Master Chief's Face

2008-01-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

How Bungie made it look...

This is actually how it happens in the final cutscene of the game, but you can't see it unless you use a camera hack. I used Bitterbanana's Halo FlyCam.

Thanks to Bungie (obviously) and Bitterbanana.

Amicable Feet

2008-01-05T01:10:00.002-08:00

People tell me to be confident
And stand up straight.
But then my amicable feet
Seem so far away.

I try to be
The best I can.
But also. But also. Try to
Stay a man.

People tell me that I'm
The Best Person They Ever Knew.
But of course,
That immodest claim isn't true.

But I could point to another thousand examples
Of the things that I've done wrong.
But I could point to a thousand examples
Where I made stanzas that didn't rhyme.

I once, when young,
Grabbed a girl's hair, pulled some out.
Gave her a bald spot.
I had the longest time-out.

Ever.

Or I once took a girl's shirt.
And I ruined it with a purple sharpie.
And now, after the hatred.
She stalks me.

Or I tripped my brother.
Because I was sick.
I made him cry.
Because I'm a dick.

But people don't know those things.
Because it's behind that cloud.
They tell me to stand tall.
And tell me to be proud.

But though pride comes
Right before defeat,
A fall would bring me one step closer
To those amicable feet.

Prompted

2008-01-05T01:10:00.001-08:00

I found this writing prompt: "Use these words in your story: doctor, roll of film, stairwell, telephone." So I tried it. Do but read.

So I dialed the telephone. And it was a woman.
"Why hello, there, big man. This is the lovvvve doctor. How can I...help you?"
"I'm bored. Can we meet?"
"Why certainly, big boy. When and where, and how do you want to...do it?"
"There's an alley on 51st street, and a friend of mine who lives there is out of town. I have his key. Let's go in there in an hour and do whatever feels right."
She made some sexy noise that you cannot begin to replicate with words. Not in a good or bad way, it's just really hard to describe. The phone went "click."
Oh, by the way – I just called dial-a-hooker, in case that wasn't clear.
I don't have a billion dollars so I don't own a digital camera. I have one of those crappy film ones that you have to get developed. I made sure there was a full roll of film in there before I left. I put the camera in my pocket. And then I left.
She might as well not have been wearing clothes when she was out on the street. It would've made no difference to anyone.
So she laughed like a good whore does when I said hello, and we went up some random stairwell into my friend's apartment. She had comically large bazonkas.
Oh, by the way – "bazonkas" are another word for a woman's breasts, in case that wasn't clear.
So I closed the door. Within literally five seconds, all of my clothes were off without my doing.
And then the Love Doctor went to the bathroom to "get into something more...comfortable." So then I got my camera from my removed pants. I wanted to remember this.
Then I heard the pitter-patter of feet, and my friend came back from vacation.
He saw me naked with my camera in his bedroom.
I held my breath.
Um.
Um.
We stood there for a long time.
It felt like forever.
And then.
"Are you taking a MySpace picture?"
Um.
UM.
I grabbed-my-clothes-and-ran-out-the-door.
And. And.
And now my friend has herpes.

Three Assassins

2008-01-05T01:09:00.002-08:00

I hired three assassins one day. They were all sent to kill the same person. That same person did not exist, but the assassins sure thought that Eric D. Bloomsberg, a professor at Michigan State, existed. They bought it until they all accidentally killed each other. Assassin A killed Assassin B by gunshot, but Assassin B had slowly poisoned Assassin A. Assassin C actually just fell down the stairs into a box of skewers and could not be saved.

Why in the world would I decide to hire three assassins?

Henry Carvallis was eight years old when he won his first million. His father had let him put a quarter into the slot machine to show him that gambling never worked. And gambling worked. Little Henry Carvallis made one million dollars. He has never gambled since. He has simply invested that money in thousands of places. Now he's 42 and could buy 57 countries. But you've never heard of him, have you?

Henry is also the nicest person you will ever meet. If someone drops something, he has already picked it up for you. Or if your car has stopped on the side of the road and he finds out, prepare to have a fixed car. Or he donates 75% of all of the money he makes annually to charities.

But he's very, very shy.

Patricia Mink was adopted. She finally met her biological parents last year. They turned out to be terrible people. Patricia doesn't call them her real parents. Her real parents adopted an innocent orphan and made her who she is today. She credits them with everything and believes that genes have very little to do with who you'll turn out to be. And her real parents, not her genes, inspired her to write the bestsellers she does.

And she was born mute.

Harold Green plays a little bit of tennis, according to him. Everyone else who's ever played him a game of tennis knows that he should go to Wimbledon. People at tennis clubs have watched professional tennis and they've also watched Harold, and most of them think Harold could win. All of them think Harold could get in easily.

Harold designs creative paperweights and other office supplies. He once decided to make a paperweight that was a stack of paper. Or that stapler that looked like a crocodile. Or that mousepad that looked like a piece of ham. He found little interest in his work, but liked tennis.

Why in the world did I decide to hire three assassins?

Because if I didn't, these people would be dead.

And that's how you suspenseful.

Cry Me A River

2008-01-05T01:09:00.001-08:00

Step one: happy.
Step two: boo-hoo.
Cry me a river.
What the hell am I going to do with a river?
Build a metaphorical dam?
Maybe I'll cry you a river.
I'll name it the Me River.
And then when you get the river
You'll wonder what to do with me.
River.

How To Propose To A Woman

2008-01-05T01:08:00.000-08:00

Good evening. I am a woman in this story, even though the author is male. Do not laugh too much. That is not the joke. Here is the story:

I sat at the table. Waited for my date to arrive. I think I liked this guy. He told me to meet him at this fancy restaurant with a French name I had no hope of pronouncing. But I got to make myself look all pretty. I looked gorgeous enough to tame a lion. Maybe.

I was distracting myself with women that tried, but failed, to be as pretty as I was that night. I could tell you everything about what I was wearing: I started by curling my hair...oh I'm sorry, I'll tell you soon; my date's just sat down!

"I'm here," he smiles.
"It's obvious," I tell him. We laugh.

So a conversation begins, a nice one, a comfortable one, but something about him seems odd and distracted. I shrug it off. We talk about Alaskan sledding dogs.

The waiter comes and takes our orders away, and the conversation continues, following a path towards the topic of street vendors, then music, then Weirdest Bathroom Experiences. He seems sweet and thoughtful tonight when he talks. He's also, um, very cute.

And then the food comes. He suddenly seems much less interesting. So I tell him, and he laughs. And we eat a little. I take a bite of something that has one of those Ç symbols in it.

And a fork hits the ground. And it's his fork. And I swallow.

So he goes down to pick it up and he's on one knee and "Karen, will you marry me?"

I stare back at him. His eyes are sympathetic and suspenseful and the sweetest things I've ever seen. I feel the hundreds of eyes turn and watch. The silence. Listen. Just silence. And so I answer, as confident as I've ever been.

"Um...yes...but my name is Emily. What's your name?"

The Pantsless Supermarket Amnesia Chase

2008-01-05T01:07:00.004-08:00

I wrote this story for English and it had to be exactly 20 sentences long so it is. If you stalk me, you'll notice that I plagiarized myself at the end.

I woke up and the chase began. I had no idea what my name was or what I was doing here or why there were men with guns chasing me through a supermarket, but I did know that I was doing something here and that there were men with guns chasing me through a supermarket and it was really in my best interest to not die. I pulled a bullet out of my arm. I only felt it because I could feel a bullet in my arm.

I was running through the aisle with all those magazines and the "get well soon," "happy birthday," "I can't believe you're so old" cards. Some of them looked like nice cards, some of them were funny, and I had no idea that Celebrity A and Celebrity B had just had a child and added to the world's population. They named her "Olympian," which might be the dumbest name I've ever heard for a child in my whole life.

Of course, this didn't concern me at the moment because I was being chased by three, four, five, eight men with guns.

I was suddenly already at the end of the aisle, and I turned around and intentionally tipped a barrel of meat in their path. I learned that it was customary, in this place, for supermarkets to have barrels of raw and unpackaged meat. Hopefully the men would be slowed by the now tipped barrel of raw and unpackaged meat.

Suddenly I had a realization so large and so not small that I screamed – I was scared out of my wits and pants. One cannot be scared out of their wits in a literal sense but I can sure as hell be scared out of my pants and as I looked down at my running feet, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, I really wasn't wearing any pants.

A-ha! I must have been knocked out, brainwashed, put into a supermarket where I would wake up, and be chased by eight armed men, all without my pants on. I smiled because I knew there had to be a Candid Camera somewhere. This whole situation was ridiculous.

Then I ran into the aisle with all the freezers. There was a freezer there that wasn't a freezer. It was a man instead. He grabbed me and took away my consciousness.

First Date

2008-01-05T01:07:00.003-08:00

I checked myself in the mirror one last time.
I'm not nervous.
Am I nervous?
Maybe I should wear a different shirt. This one's a little suggestive. Is red suggestive? What about blue?
Should I bring a coat? Will it be cold? No, it won't be cold, it's June.
Oh, but what if she gets cold? Then I have to have the coat.
Does my coat smell bad? Yes. The last time I wore it was coming home from the gym.
Oh crap, it's already 6:30! The date's at 7!
I opened the door, scrambled out, shut the door, ran to the elevator, hit the “down” button, stood in front of the elevator. I made a mistake while performing every single one of those actions.
The closed and daunting elevator doors were reflecting a tinted world back at me.
I noticed my reflection and ran back into the apartment.
I put on clothes. I left the apartment again.
Did I lock the door? I had better.
I entered the elevator.
I looked at my watch.
Oh God, I shouldn't have worn a watch! She'll think I'm a nerd.
Maybe I am a nerd. She'll have to accept me for who I am.
Am I a nerd? I guess I use my computer a little too much. I play Tetris sometimes...
There was a ding and I stepped out of the elevator and I ran through the revolving door and ran down the street and into my car and started the engine and sped down the road.
I checked my hair in the mirror.
I wonder if she likes brown hair. She has blonde hair.
Is my hair messy? Oh, but if it's too neat, I'll be even more of a nerd. Should my hair be rebellious?
I'm not nervous.
...am I nervous?
I arrived.
I breathed in and out slowly, or maybe it was quickly but I didn't notice it was. I did breathe. I do breathe. Often. But I'm telling you about this particular breath.
Am I nervous?
I exited the car and I began to hear my heart beat in my ears.
I walked across the street to the rhythm of my heart.
There was the restaurant.
There she is. Wow, she's beautiful.
I melted a little.
She was wearing a maroon outfit, holding her purse at her waist, standing there like a woman wearing a maroon outfit holding her purse at her waist. I don't remember seeing anyone that beautiful who was a real person that I had to converse with.
I wasn't so nervous anymore.
I stepped up the restaurant's front steps. Everything was in slow motion.
She got closer and closer just by standing there; I think that was because I was moving. I don't remember.
Suddenly she was there.
"Hi," she said with a smile.
I smiled and stared at her, and opened my mouth.
No words.
Uh-oh.
Time passed by.
I kept my smile so I passed off as sane but mute.
She tilted her head slightly downwards so she could look up at me like I was strange. Strands of her delicate hair fell over her delicate face delicately.
I realized I wasn't breathing but did nothing about it.
I should've brought my coat, because I was freezing.
I looked now as if I was going to give birth out of my mouth. She stepped back instinctually.
Wow, it really is cold. Odd, it was hot just a moment ago...
I blinked but my eyes didn't finish and they stayed closed.
It must have been strange for her because I was no longer conscious.

Dead in a Minute

2008-01-05T01:07:00.001-08:00

I burst through the door and looked wildly around the dark office. I saw a number of things in my rabid frenzy. There was a desk in the room. It was a desk. There was also a chair near the desk. It wasn't a chair. It was a man with a gun and I was dead.

Falling

2008-01-05T01:05:00.000-08:00

Wind was blowing on my face hard, and it was cold, and I felt like I was falling, and I relaxed. I took in smells, smells of clouds. I tasted them, I felt them, I heard them, the pleasant white in the sky. It felt like an otherworldly experience. I opened my eyes.

I was falling out of a plane with no parachute. I kept on falling. It didn't look like I was about to stop any time soon.

I tried to think. It didn't work. It didn't most of the time. Falling out of the sky was part of "most of the time."

I kept falling.

I tried to think a second time. This time a thought entered my head. It could have been about anything, because it died of loneliness. It could have been about rabbits, or pumpkins, or my favorite holiday, which is Christmas, if you should ever ask.

I kept falling.

I tried to think a third time. This time, a number of thoughts entered my head. One of them was "You are falling from the sky." Another one told me "You need to find a way to live." Another thought screamed both of those at once. I listened to all three of them, and decided that if I was going to focus on one of them, it would've been the screaming one, because it was the loudest. I don't like things that are loud. They give me headaches.

I kept falling.

This thought would not stop screaming. "YOU ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY! YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE!" It irritated me. I tried to make it be quiet, but it wouldn't. I supposed I would have to stop falling from the sky, and live, too, which was not going to be easy. But I would try my hardest.

I kept falling.

I looked around. It didn't make me fall any slower. I checked what I was wearing. It was what I would normally wear, a T-shirt, some jeans, things under those jeans, socks, but no shoes. I noticed that my feet were cold.

I kept falling.

I checked my pockets, hoping that I could devise some brilliant device out of the perfect parts I would have in my pockets. Crushed raspberries, I learned, are extremely ineffective if you're trying to safe yourself from falling out of a plane without a parachute. I did have a walnut, which I ate. It tasted okay, like a walnut should.

I kept falling.

I looked below me. There was what looked like a country house owned by a somewhat wealthy family, and that was because it was a country house owned by a somewhat wealthy family. I had a great view of it. I wish I had my camera. It might have been more effective than a crushed raspberry, and it even takes pictures.

I kept falling.

This somewhat wealthy family had a small lake, or maybe it was a pool made to look like a lake, or maybe it was a pool of poison that the somewhat wealthy family would feed to people that came by, because no one was to know of their secret lake filled with poison. In a bet, most people would have bet on it being a small lake. I bet on it too. Most people is smart.

I kept falling.

The thought had been screaming this whole time. It began yelling words that were easy to understand. By the time I was close to death, it sounded like a little girl screaming in a dodge-ball game after she has just had a ball thrown right next to her head. The thought said no words that I could make out any longer, and proceeded to just shriek. I tried it too. It made me feel better.

I kept falling.

I approached the lake of poison from the sky and angled myself, through some unknown form of instinct, so that I would land in this lake. It seemed to work. I seemed to land in this lake and I seemed to dive to the bottom. I seemed to not be dead, which must mean I was alive, and I also wasn't falling from the sky. The thought sat down and enjoyed some brain fluids, as if it were tea.

Imagine starting at the top of Mount Everest, but there isn't anything below you for the 29,028 feet of Mount Everest. You can't see 29,028 feet below you, so you don't know what's there. It could be one thousand jagged rocks, ready to impale you many, many times, after you fall that distance. It could be a city, where you might land on a taxi driver that speaks a language of his own, that is literally only his. It could be the middle of an ocean. In my case, it was a pool that I had no hope of landing in.

You begin to fall this 29,028 feet, and you fall this distance. It is certainly very cold at 29,028 feet, and will stay that way perhaps until you are 150 feet from almost certain doom, and falling 150 feet happens rather quickly. I would know. It just happened. You will be cold, and your feet are part of you. Now imagine falling, feet first, into a non-heated lake from 29,028 feet. (I repeat the word feet, by different definitions, only to confuse you. Confused is how I feel most of the time.) Your feet would not only be cold, but they would hurt a lot. This is why I could not walk well after I got out of the lake.

I learned that this lake was not made of poison. In fact, it tasted exactly like water, and had no permanent effects on my health. I was shaking wildly afterwards, however, which may have been a side-effect of the fall from the sky, or perhaps from drinking what could have been a gallon of water-poison.

I stepped out of the lake. I realized my body thought the lake was freezing. That may have been because it was. I never found out. I was shivering from the cold, the shock, and the shivery water-poison.

I must have looked ridiculous. I laughed at that, right then, at my own expense. The laugh sounded dead, or dying.

Then white puffs, like clouds, began to roll onto the world. It was pleasant. I suddenly felt as I had before. I smelled the clouds again, and I tasted them. Those beautiful, white clouds, like misty puffs across the sky. I felt them touch my skin, and I heard the sound of soft wind. But my eyes were open this time, and I saw them, and only them, and nothing else. It was a world of clouds.

I then heard the grass embrace something, and it was me, and I was unconscious.

Check Out Ma Grillz

2008-01-05T01:02:00.001-08:00

This video was going to be my announcement video, instead of "I've got grills now, yo." But here it is. It's been filmed for over a month (since November 11th), but I never edited it until now.

Do enjoy. I actually like this one, for once.

(Thanks to Allison for co-starring. If you don't get this joke, you're not Allison.)

My Package

2008-01-05T01:01:00.000-08:00

The title has very little to do with the movie. Or very much, if you're all metaphorical and confusing.

The video explains everything you need to know.

And, basically, Head Doctor is the only one (I know of) who could make me do this burrito thing, so you could email me your video, if you wish. I'll put it up here. (And I need to get your Wii codes onto my box. I am so damn lazy.)

"Three"

2008-01-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

Project I made for video production. You fannies like the videos where there's more than one of me. This is the MOTHER of them. Enjoy.

Personally, I don't love it. It starts off pretty well, but I don't think it's good as you get further in. But you guys will love it, I can tell. Especially you, right there.

This is kind of like my "coming back" video. I have everything filmed for an upcoming music video, and, hopefully, you can expect my WTB channel to not...suck. From now on.

So enjoy the video. Or maybe you already have.

Zombies and Announcements

2008-01-05T00:59:00.004-08:00

Song about zombies, and a bunch of announcements.

ToiletPro
P-p-podcast

Hyperactivity

2008-01-05T00:59:00.003-08:00

This is a video production project that I made with two other guys that deserve credit but don't want their names listed.

Religious Discussion...?

2008-01-05T00:59:00.001-08:00

Bad Requests

2008-01-05T00:58:00.002-08:00

I love this song.

Lessons are to be learned from this video. I've written some suggestions below.

1) Keep it simple. The fewer words, the better.
2) Pick something broad. If you can't think of more than a stanza about your request, chances are I can't either.
3) The more rhymes it has, the easier it is to make a song about.
4) There's a fine line between "stupid" and "funny." I cross the line all the time, but that doesn't mean it's justified just because I know.

But keep requesting. Just keep them not bad.

Spinning

2008-01-05T00:58:00.001-08:00

A song request about the guy in the windmill from Zelda Ocarina of Time. Perhaps not QUITE what the requester requested but it's better than all the other stuff I tried to come up with.

This could be one of those weird 60's songs with the random lyrics.

New Direction

2008-01-05T00:57:00.002-08:00

Political Issue

2008-01-05T00:57:00.001-08:00

This video was made awhile ago and I had it all done but I forgot to upload it. Silly me.

There was a little censorship because he was saying where I lived. I love stalkers but not enough.

Watch the video twice. The first time, listen to what is said. The second time, watch and notice how many times I do something stupid. I edited out probably half of the video because I seemed like such an idiot. I'm glad Jordan was there because I had no clue what I was talking about. If you'd seen it you wouldn't ever talk to me anymore so I won't show you no matter WHAT.

Haircut Fun

2008-01-05T00:56:00.005-08:00

Off To Belize

2008-01-05T00:56:00.003-08:00

Going on a Trip

2008-01-05T00:56:00.001-08:00

Piece of Bread (a musical inspiration)

2008-01-05T00:53:00.000-08:00

I found this piece of bread on my driveway and was musically inspired.

And for those of you who wonder, I actually DID find that very piece of bread and I don't know why.

(Maybe it was an earth sandwich.)

A Pimp's Story

2008-01-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

You can read this story below, or you can watch it on YouTube. Part One and Part Two..

I wake up, and I begin yet another day of unemployment. I put one foot down, but that is enough willpower for now and sit there in an awkward position for while. I may have fallen back asleep. I now gain the courage to bring my other leg out from under the blanket.

Then I fell back asleep again, my back still on the mattress. I stay like this for awhile until my mom comes in, wakes me up, and offers me lunch, and gives me the daily lecture on how I'm thirty-two years old and I'm still living with my parents and I don't know how to make anything other than cereal. I sit through it again. It's a horribly boring story. Today, though, she asks me a new question, so I have to improvise.

"Ricky, what are your dreams?"
"What?"
"What do you plan to do with yourself?"
"Become a pimp." Saying the first thing that comes to my head is more often than not a good idea.
She laughs at this. I pretend to be serious.
"No, I'm serious. I want to sell, sell, sell!"
"Ricky, you're horrified of women under 50."
"So?"
"Ricky, do you really want to be a pimp?"
"Yes," I say, nonchalantly.

I was on a plane to a "Pimp Camp" in New York City the next day, regret up to my knees.

After spending about an hour next to the man that takes up two seats in every plane ride, who smells like death and then some, who seems to have a never-ending supply of french fries and edible grease, who seems to have some liquid oozing out of every orifice (of which he has more than normal), who makes you want to squirm and then have your muscles ooze out over your skin and start bubbling and evaporating away, who makes you write run-on sentences...I felt like getting off of the plane. Unfortunately, the ride was more than an hour long, and it felt like weeks. I only had one in-flight meal plus some peanuts for what felt like three weeks. I am starving.

Finally, I stumble off of the plane, grab my bags packed with everything but what was useful, fall into a cab face-first, and get driven to where my hotel was. The dialogue between myself and my cab driver was much like what you hear when someone talks on a phone; you can only understand what one person is saying. He spoke some language that seemingly only he spoke. His accent is a mix of Spanish, Japanese, Hawaiian, Swahili, French, and Klingon. His name is a mash-up of vowels, consonants, and even some numbers.

I get driven to a street address, step out of the cab, grab my bags, and turn around to face my hotel. I notice something wrong with it, but I'm not certain as to what immediately.

I look what seems like a thousand stories up, literally scraping the sky, and the building seems fine, until it falls with a royally loud and unpleasant explosion of window, support beam, and wrecking ball.

Oh, that's what's wrong. Wrecking ball.

The building is compacted into a small pile of rubble by gravity, which leaves me standing outside in awe and deafness, without a place to stay.

Oh look, a penny!

--------

I wander aimlessly around, asking people where hotels are, and they point at the sky with a finger. Strangely, it's not the finger people normally point with. It's one next to it. I should ask someone why.

Finally I find a building that says "Bletchley Hotel" on it. I enter because it's the funniest name I've ever heard. "Bletchley." I say the name to myself under my breath and laugh. People stare.

Through some form of blurred persuasion and seduction, I convince someone somewhere to let me stay in this hotel. I get room 317. I walk into the room, smell hotel, and drink some unconscious juices from the minibar. Everything becomes blurry and underwater and I wake up the next morning with the worst pain in my everything.

I laugh again. "Bletchley."

Today's the day that I'm supposed to find Pimp Camp. There are a number of problems with this goal. One of them is that I am the whitest person known to man. If I go in the sun, I reflect light and will blind you if you look at me too long. Another setback is my inability to talk to women. If you are under fifty years old and are female, pretend not to be. Perhaps the biggest obstacle, however, is that there is no such thing as Pimp Camp.

I call my mother and ask her for advice.

"Ricky! How's Pimp Camp?"
"What in the world is Pimp Camp?!?"
"I thought you knew!"
"What in the world would make you think that??"
"Ugh...Ricardo Bowman, please just find yourself a pimp and ask him for advice."
"Do you know any...local pimps in New York City?"

The conversation continues like this for three arbitrary units of time. I am being forced by my mother to find a pimp. They are not easy to find.

One thing I do know that will help me in my "quest" is the international pimp sign. Crossing your pointer finger around your other pointer finger while touching your pinkies together and crossing the fingers in between those...hurts your hands. The international pimp sign is lifting up your thumbs and smashing your remaining fingers together thrice.

I practice it and look like an idiot. It was a fitting title. I came across a country to find a Pimp Camp.

I went out onto the street and began looking. The only image of a pimp I had in my head was of Don "Magic" Juan (also referred to as Donald Campbell, The Chairman of the Board, Archbishop Don 'Magic' Juan, Archbishop Don Magic Juan, Bishop Magic Juan, and Don The Bishop Magic Juan); covered from head to toe to cane in bling, so I looked for that.

Hours pass. The search spans every inch of everything; I look under manholes, behind doors, under people, in dialogue, in alleys, and I haven't found anything. Frustration is creeping up my skin, into my skull, and coming out as sweat. It is an oddly cold day, too, so I must be working hard.

I approach some people and do the international pimp sign for them, and they look at me like they would at anyone who started clapping their hands with the wrong sides of their palms. If they were pimps, they would know. I keep flashing the sign at different people I walk by on my search.

I also meet some women, who I avoid silently and inconspicuously. I know they lose their fire breath when they're around 50, so I have to wait until then.

There is a battle now, a battle of epic proportions. Day fights Night for the second time that day. In the morning, Day had won. Night hid for about twelve hours, preparing. Suddenly, after the twelve hours were up, Night descends on Day with a bat in each hand and beats Day to the ground. Day prepares her revenge for the next twelve hours, and would strike.

I watch this battle while on my search for a pimp, but now that I see night has won, I go back to my hotel. "Bletchley." It's just such a funny name.

The minibar hasn't been restocked, so I decide to stay conscious for another hour, twiddling my thumbs and trying to run through a wall. Only the former is successful, but I continue to try.

I fall into unconsciousness again and I break it in half with my weight. I didn't know it was very fragile. I go downstairs into the lobby and ask if they have any tape, and they give me some, which I use to tape it back together, and rest on it gently.

--------

I am awakened by an explosion. It rattles my ears and my bed and my unconsciousness breaks in half again. I will fix it later, because there's a battle going on outside. I watch the sky.

Day has just taken a rocket launcher to Night's head. Though Night came prepared with a shotgun, she was not prepared enough for a rocket in the face. Night grew another head and sat down, plotting and preparing for another twelve hours.

Watching them fight is exciting excitement. Enjoy my use of an adjective describing a noun that implies the same adjective, for it makes the story seem longer. If you would like to make the story seem even longer, flip back to the first page and start reading from there until you are tired of it, then return to the following paragraph.

Today I should try again to find a pimp. I lounge around my hotel room, trying to get through the same wall again. It does not budge. It seems to have the strength of a thousand men.

I venture outside and attempt to find a pimp in a different part of the city now. There are thousands of people, I realize now, that are not pimps. It seems quite an effort to find pimps among thousands of people, for I cannot find any this day either.

Night suddenly springs out from behind a corner and, with her fully loaded shotgun, shoots Day in both of the legs, then in the stomach. Day collapses again, ready to strike with a horrible wrath in twelve hours.

I still cannot find any unconscious juices, so I go back to trying to get through that wall. I bash at it once, twice, thrice, and the fourth time there is a wonderful display of smoke, noise, and a man staring at me in utter disbelief that I had just invaded his room by breaking through the wall with my body.

There is an awkward silence, the silence you are always given when you break into somebody's hotel room with your body. Each of us open our mouths at least twice like we were going to talk, and after a few moments, decide it would be better not to, and close our mouths.

After what seems like seconds (because they are seconds), I show him the international pimp sign, in hopes.

He stares at me in even more disbelief.

He shows me the pimp sign.

There is another awkward silence, the kind of silence you are given when you break into somebody's hotel room with your body and discover they are a pimp just like you hope to become.

I finally am given, by some external force that could not have been created by anything other than space aliens, courage to open my teeth and use them for talking. Unfortunately, it is more difficult than it looks to talk using only one's teeth. Try it. I instead chose using a combination of those, tongue, and lips. It worked much better.

"You're a pimp?" I say, with a shaky voice, as if I'm meeting my dream celebrity (who, if you would like to know, is Britney Spears).
"Yes," the man replies, "and you just bashed through my wall. That is less likely."
"Can you...teach me how to be a pimp?" I ask.
"If you tell me how you just used strength to break through a solid wall, I will do anything."
"I have been trying to break through it since two nights ago."
"So you've just been running into the same wall over and over again?"
"On and off."

There was yet another awkward silence, the kind you get when you break into somebody's hotel room through a wall, discover they're a pimp, and you tell them that you've been running into the same wall for at least forty-eight hours, on and off.

"So will you teach me how to be a pimp?" I ask.
"Absofruitly."
"Please don't tell me you seriously say that."

--------

The next week, were it shown in a movie, would be shown in the only way possible; a montage. The inspirational rock music would be playing that would have some relevance to the plot. There would be, in this case, short clips of me learning the "pimp slap," the "pimp hand," the "pimp dance," the way to dress, the way to rap. The montage would fade out into an important sequence of dialogue between the mentor and the student, in this case James Cribeley The Pimp and Ricardo Bowman, respectively. The conversation might go something like this.

"Alright, Ricardo. It's time for your final task before you become a real pimp."
"Which is?"
"Getting a hoe."

This incomplete sentence makes butterflies appear in my stomach as if by magic. These butterflies grow and transform into hummingbirds, then blue jays, then hawks. I know now, from firsthand experience, it is surprisingly unpleasant to have live hawks inside of your stomach.

As I hope I've said before (for it to be relevant to the story), I'm deadly afraid of women. I've never talked to one. Some have had girlfriends, some have had worse, but I've never actually spoken to a woman under 50 years of age in my whole life. My mother had me when I was very young, and she was thirty-five. I did not speak to her until I was fifteen.

The dialogue continues after being interrupted by two paragraphs.

"I...don't know that I can do that," the words falling off of my tongue.
"Why not?" demands Cribeley, like he was demanding to be fed a gigantic cream puff, the size of himself or larger.
"I've never talked to a woman before."
"WHAT?" He sounds very much as if he wanted that gigantic cream puff.
"I don't speak to women until they're at least fifty."
"What about your own mother?" He is now definitely angry. That gigantic cream puff is to be HIS.
"I spoke to her when she was over fifty and not a moment sooner."
He stares at me in disbelief. It seems that he just learned that nobody had ever built a gigantic cream puff the size of him. His face is covered in disappointment.
"Ricardo, you had so much promise! You could've been the best pimp there ever was! Like Ash from Pokémon!"
"GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!" we both sing in unison.
"You were the best! You had learned everything faster and better than anyone ever had!"
"I did?"
"Yes!"

A wave of confidence rushes over me as if I'm learning there really was a gigantic cream puff and I am to eat it all and nobody else is to know.

But what's important here is that I was a good pimp! Maybe even a great pimp! This is an amazing revelation. I no longer have fears, as if I have just had a thousand swigs of liquid courage, though without the side effects such as wooziness and woziness.

"Alright, I'll try to go get a hoe. I'll try to get thirty at once!"
"Rikardo, don't go in too far over your head!"
"You misspelled my name."
"I'm talking. How could I possibly do that?"
"It doesn't have a K in it!"
"But you said it with one, look!"
"Oh. Anyway, you can't confront thirty women at once! It's too dangerous!"
"I'm invincible!"

I run off to the local Pimp Training Center and approach thirty women, thirty unsuspecting women, thirty women that are under thirty. I speak to the first women I've ever spoken to now.

It all happens in a blur. I ask "Who wants to be a hoe for me?" in a booming voice that sounds like it comes from a motivational speaker. There is an awkward silence, the kind of awkward silence when someone walks in on you when you're trying to staple your tongue to a wall. The thirty women all stare...and stare...and stare...and I pass out.

--------

"Bugh, what happened?" I mumble. It doesn't roll off the tongue as it should.
"Bugh, what happened?" I try again. I've narrowed it down to the "bugh," I think I need to use a different word.
"Cool-Whip™, what happened?" It works better this time.

The dark things in front of my eyes move away, revealing a wall, except there's something odd about it. The wall is on the ceiling. I stand up and see that the ceiling is on a wall, and is colored just like a wall, and the wall that is on the ceiling is textured and colored just like a ceiling. This becomes unimportant.

I realize that I'm in a bathroom. There are toilets all around me. I sincerely hope this is not what heaven is like, but I do hope that hell is like this, for boredom is a lot better than constantly being burned.

I open a door and learn that I am in the public bathroom in the lobby of the Bletchley Hotel, and I begin to laugh hysterically. I feel the stares on my face. I tell people not to look at me, because it's bad for my skin.

I take the elevator up to the third floor, but I first press the button for every other floor, go to all of them, and then head back to the third floor. I slide the key into the keyhole, much like you would slide a key into a keyhole, and walk into the room. Then I walk into room 318 through the hole in the wall and see if Cribeley is there.

He is nowhere in sight. Then I turn to my left. He is still not in my sight. I turn right. He is now in my sight.

"Ricky, I told you that you shouldn't have gone in there!"
"I...I guess I just got too confident."
"Do you even know how to talk to a girl before she's a hoe?"
"I don't know how to talk to a girl!"

Once again, were this scene in a movie, it would be represented in a montage. This montage would have Cribeley talking to me, perhaps pointing a ruler to complicated diagrams on a whiteboard, bringing in a woman who is a practice hoe, and me reading a book entitled "How To Get A Hoe." The montage would fade out, and you'd see me, Ricardo Bowman, attempting the thirty hoes again, and you'd hear my heart beating in the background.

I approach a woman. I don't know her name, I don't know what she likes, and I especially don't know if she wants to be a hoe or not. I approach her armed with a shaky voice and a mind full of hoe knowledge.

"Hello, what's your name?" I say. The words written on this page don't do it justice. If there were more hyphens, dot-dot-dots, commas, and a constantly changing font size, you'd be able to more accurately understand how my voice quivered.
"Josefina," she replies, "Josefina Gunderson." She seems unenthusiastic about talking to me.
"Would you like to be a hoe for me?"
"Certainly!" Her face brightens up as she replies with a new wave of energy, and begins telling all of the other women to join her being a hoe. They all do.

Suddenly I am surrounded by thirty hoe-eager women. I have done it. I am a pimp now.

--------

Time passes.

More time passes.

--------

I am now a true pimp, the best there ever was, like Ash in Pokémon (gotta catch 'em all). I've got thousands of hoes now, all around the world, spanning from 49 states in the United States (I can not find a single person still alive in Wisconsin) to China, down in Mexico and Central America, to Brazil and Japan. I've met all of them and talked to them in their native language. I am widely respected in the world, as the world's greatest pimp.

And I got a better name than Ricardo Bowman. Now I'm Pimpardo BowPimp.

F'sho, playa.

Getting The Asian

2008-01-05T00:49:00.002-08:00

LOLAZUNS!!!

Card Trick

2008-01-05T00:49:00.001-08:00

A Bunch of Things 03-03-07

2008-01-05T00:48:00.002-08:00

I go over a bunch of things. I am running. I make a song about dentists. I make a song about taking a dump. Some other people smack that.

Bear Grenade

2008-01-05T00:48:00.001-08:00

Galapagos (part 1)

2008-01-05T00:47:00.002-08:00

At The Apple Store 2

2008-01-05T00:47:00.001-08:00

The Apple Store

2008-01-05T00:46:00.002-08:00

Action: The Movie Trailer

2008-01-05T00:46:00.001-08:00

One man with one destiny...

I made this for my Video Production class. We were assigned to make a parody of a genre in a trailer; so it was a funny trailer because it was a parody, not because the movie being trailered was funny. Hard to explain.

We'll see what my grade is when I turn it in.

Every bit of this was made with just PowerPoint, iMovie, and Garageband.

Something To Think About

2008-01-05T00:45:00.002-08:00

Power Move

2008-01-05T00:45:00.001-08:00

Made for the show with zefrank.

Shopping for Pants

2008-01-05T00:43:00.004-08:00

I went to Macy's...but it's more like HALL OF THE DEAD.

Almost 1 AM

2008-01-05T00:43:00.003-08:00

A Bunch of Things 1-26-07

2008-01-05T00:43:00.001-08:00

Partaaaaay

2008-01-05T00:41:00.002-08:00

My good friend Kira.

Party at my House

2008-01-05T00:41:00.001-08:00

Mission Impossible

2008-01-05T00:40:00.001-08:00

Re: The New Theme!

2008-01-05T00:39:00.004-08:00

One of The Shortest but Greatest Videos Ever Made

2008-01-05T00:39:00.003-08:00

A Bunch of Things 01-07-07

2008-01-05T00:39:00.001-08:00

Disco Time 2

2008-01-05T00:37:00.000-08:00

Disco Time

2008-01-05T00:36:00.002-08:00

BSIDE1989's request.

Butterflies

2008-01-05T00:36:00.001-08:00

Don't ask...I made this with my lovely girlfriend.

Happy Holidays

2008-01-05T00:35:00.001-08:00

Hand Farting Jingle Bells and We Wish You A Merry Christmas

2008-01-05T00:34:00.002-08:00

Video Camera + Mirror = Awesome

2008-01-05T00:34:00.001-08:00

The fifth video I made in one day.

Pipe Cleaners and Bunnies

2008-01-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

Wiiiiidescreeeeen

2008-01-05T00:32:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to rip of Homestar Runner for a long time.

A Bunch of Things 12-17-06

2008-01-05T00:31:00.000-08:00